Writing - Pirate Double Feature
April 25th, 2008
Here’s two pirate-themed essays recycled from my sophomore-year Creative Writing class. My professor was big on activities and these are both the result of weird writing exercises.
Shiver Me Timbers
This is one of the first poems we wrote for the class. We drew topics out of a hat and I got “pirates.”
I’ll swashbuckle my way to fortune
Fearing none except the sea
Though I am but a businessman
It’s a pirate’s life for me
I rode astern on Monday morn
Across the seven seas
Down to the accounting office
And said “Yar, listen thee:
I need the budget data for the 2005 software development project
And be quick about it, Lee”
He looked at me and said “but sir,
That won’t be ready for a week”
I had no choice, Lee should have known
(That scurvy-ridden tweed,
He walked the plank from floor 13)
Pirates don’t concede
My ship is but an Altima
I once sailed her cross country
I’m worried about the gas prices
But they’re sure not stopping me
Perhaps you wonder why
A pirate (yours truly)
Has found himself working
In this corporate bureaucracy
And not slashing, shouting, sailing
And drinking merrily
With my crew of buccaneers
Plundering carefree
Well, the reason I’m not pirating
As these very words I speak
Is because of a slight complication:
I forgot where me treasure be
So if perchance you come across
My chest full of booty
You can call me during regular office hours
At (918) 242-5793
Slam, Dunk, Hook
We had to write a mini-essay based off a title that was assigned to us. I wasn’t sure quite what to write about my obviously basketball-themed title, but once I had the idea of doing the back of a DVD box, it was easy.
The year is 2023 and giant alien robots rule the earth. After being forced into early retirement from professional basketball by a family tragedy, Johnny “Hook” Conami (Vin Diesel) decides to follow his life-long dream of becoming an interstellar space pirate. When a deep space mission goes wrong, Hook finds himself in the clutches of his robotic overlords. They force Hook to return to the court and play on their team, and when he finds out that his father (Sean Connery) is still alive, Hook must confront him to find out what really happened to his family. After falling in love with the android queen, EK4-12 (Jennifer Lopez), Hook must face The King (Ben Affleck) in an epic game of one-on-one streetball with the fate of the universe and true love on the line.
“One of the best films of all time!” – Ryan Sucher, Showtime
“My advice: Go with someone who knows CPR!” – Joel Siegel
“One of the best sci-fi films ever! Extraordinary! A true classic that’s not to be missed! Vin Diesel is ecstatically superb.” – Shawn Edwards, Fox TV
Note: those are actual film critics’ quotes taken from Vin Diesel movies.